Forces Humour HA HA Ha

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 25/10/2007 12:00:08

I thought I would try to start up a thread on forces humour jokes. etc. :) ............the Brits are famous for it after all. Stuff you know stuff you've heard etc

I'll start the ball rolling :-)

8)

:) )

Infantry are told to go over the top ....there are 100 of them led by a lone piper playing a rousing swirling bagpipe musical accompaniment.

Charge!!.......enemy machine guns open up.........mowes down fifty men

'Charge men ' ..........more swirling bagpipes.......another twenty hit the dust.

Keep going boys...........even more rousing bagpipes........a massive machine gun burst mowes down everybody but the Sgt Major and the bagpipe player still blowing wildly.

Sgt Major to Piper ' for Gods sake lad can't you play something they LIKE!!'

:shock:

Over to you guys

John M

Clean jokes only, then :?:

Hmmmm, I think John has used the only clean Forces 'joke' anyway...

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 25/10/2007 15:38:04

The US Navy 5th Fleet sails into view on the horizon and flashes a message to the Royal Navy Fleet " How's the Second largest navy in the world this morning?"

Instant response flashed back..."Fine....How's the Second best?"

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 25/10/2007 16:28:47

Large sign at the entrance of a US Army base:

2nd Infantry Division (Heavy) - 'Second To None'...

Less ostentatious sign outside a nearby small British base:

'NONE'

My Grandad, all alone, facing the overwhelming numbers of the enemy forming at the top of the ridge above him, nothing with him in his Trench but 3 bottles of Beer, 1 Bottle of Whiskey and 50 rounds. The enemy charged his position, he calmly drank his 3 bottles of beer, then he drank his bottle of whiskey, he fired his 50 rounds with devestating effect, he then jumped out of his trench and proceded to dispatch the enemy weilding his rifle butt, when all fighting ceased Grandad stood there amidst the enemy dead, "Victorious". The moral of this story is, "Dont mess with my Grandad when he's been drinking " See you all in Scotland
Commando spirit mmm!
Regards Ron

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the disabled."

Nelson: "Disabled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... Kiss Me Hardy."

DEFENCE BULLYING REPORT - RAF Worst of the Three Services

A recent report by the Equal Opportunities Audit Team has found that allegations of "a culture of widespread bullying and brutality" within the British Forces are, in the most part, unfounded. The audit team, which travelled to every Defence establishment across the UK and abroad and interviewed staff from all three services, found surprisingly few cases of unfair treatment and bullying within the Army and Navy.

When it came to the Royal Air Force however, the report told a different story. Complaints to the EOAT came from a total of 13,555 RAF members, compared with three from Navy and just one from Army.

While this statistic is alarming in its own right, it becomes horrific when one considers that each complaint represents a sad story of abuse, mistreatment and neglect.
As one senior RAF officer put it, "Each story is, in itself, a sad indictment on the RAF. When taken as a whole, however, they demonstrate a reprehensible lack of regard for personnel on the part of RAF managers at all levels."

One young pilot told of having to spend two nights in tented accommodation, despite the fact that there was an empty five-star hotel just 1km away.

Another said that he had been forced to endure a gruelling fitness test every year since he joined in 1997.

One airwoman alleged that she had been overlooked for promotion on numerous occasions, simply because she was fat, lazy and stupid.
An aircraftsman stated he had been refused permission to wear civilian attire to work, despite the fact that his uniform clashed with his eye colour.

Another had been forced to wear uncomfortable safety boots for periods of up to eight hours straight.

An RAF clerk could not understand why she had been sent to work in a Joint military headquarters, ?I have been forced to work for horrid Army people who just don?t understand what the military is all about. I feel the RAF has victimised me by forcing me to do this, I will be seeking compensation.?

Shockingly, RAF Senior Ranks are also subject to mistreatment. One SNCO Flight Sergeant stated, ?I was deeply upset when I was addressed as ?Flight Sergeant? by an officer. He knew my name was Robert. It was just horrible - I have never been more humiliated in my life.?

In response a senior RAF officer stated, ?the officer in question has been moved on?.

A number of personnel complained of having to attend courses that were not relevant to their jobs, such as rigorous ground combat courses and drawn-out lectures on occupational health and safety. To add insult to injury, a young corporal was even ordered to pack up chairs in the classroom after one such course.

The huge backlash against treatment of Air Force personnel should provide senior officers with a vital clue with regard to the massive retention problems experienced by the RAF in recent times. Over the past two years, Defence has spent some £19.8 million looking into the issue.

Not all of the Air Force's hierarchy, however, were upset by the revelations. Said outgoing Chief of the Air Staff, Air Chief Marshal Sir Errol Flynn, KCB CBE DSO ADC BSc(Eng) FRAeS RAF, "I'm delighted with the result. I am very happy that our retention problems are due, in the most part at least, to something as harmless as bullying. I thought everyone was leaving because of me."

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 27/10/2007 23:30:08

Nice ones Nic

I always thought it was "Kiss me hard :?:n" :shock: Something got lost in the translation me thinks.

How did you come by those confidential memos :?:

Are you a News of the World reporter by any chance :?:

Colin :D

40 Commandos turned up at heavens gate but were told by St Peter that there are only 12 places available and they should decide which 12 would be let into heaven. An hour later God asks St Peter how the Commandos were getting on."Theyve gone!" said St Peter."What, all of them!" asks God
"No, the bloody gates!"